I look back on my later journal entries, and I notice that I go up and down rapidly. But they're mostly full of the whole "depressed" jist. But you know what, I don't fucking care. How about I just spill myself right here. It's not like ANYONE cares to read this anyway. There are so many things that all my new friends don't know about me. And it feels like they won't know me until they know all about my scars. And I'm sure they have their own.. "wounds." But either they're really good at hiding it.. or it doesn't bother them one bit. I feel very not liked, left out. And unloved. And no, I'm not bitching. I'm venting seeing as I fucking have no one to vent to anymore. As if it wasn't enough to go through with Gabby, once. But twice, with someone you are closer to? Could anything else go wrong? School was great, you know. I made friends and I was happy. But it all went downhill, like I'm not allowed to be happy for more than a week for once in my life. True, I don't have to really deal with my Mom and her pill OD problems, all those rehabs. Police and hospitals. Knives and threats. Sneaking out of the house with my Dad and sleeping in the parking lots of hotels and shaking so much and crying so hard I threw up blood. Not being able to sit down. My scars run so deep and no one knows. People hurt me all the time. and it does happen to other people, but it happens to me constantly, and I just feel like I got this fucking sticker on my forehead that says "use me and abuse me like I'm a mat" because people tend to do that all the time. I'm too nice. My weakness is that I care too much. I have the guilt of leaving my Mom, like it was my fault. And I know it's not, but it upsets me so fucking much. I blame myself for this. I'm on the brink of being suicidal again, because everything is falling apart again. Nothing is ever stable. School was great but my friendship with my best friend had to start collapsing. And it still is. And it fucking hurts. And I'm angry with the people around me. I guess you can say I'm "jealous" of Christane because Kelly loves her so much. And I want that. She doesn't sit next to me anymore like she used to, and I don't have a best friend anymore. I have friends but I still feel so alone and on my own. Abandoned, left out. I'm tired of feeling my heart throb with every beat it makes. And I'm sure there are people with it just as bad as me, or even worse. But that still doesn't make this okay, and it doesn't make the pain go away or hurt any less. I'm tired and worn. I've been through so much.. and I look back and wonder how it's possible for me to be still standing after everything. And now I made myself cry, just as always. That's all I do. Cry when no one is looking. Pouring out my pain.. but it always refills itself.